The Guidelines, Vol. 1
A hilarious look into the chaos of relationships and the eternal battle for flirting rights between men and women.
Men: See why you aren't the only one that chokes up around women and why being the nice guy can actually pay off.
Women: Understand why men cheat, overlook the good person you are and how you can really tell what his intentions are.
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Not as easy to read in the bathroom, but still 150 pages of goodness.
Leave this version on your coffee table and impress the neighbors.
Enter the life of a man whose love for women has left him single and helped him amass the largest porn collection on Earth. Includes 80 essays and real-life stories on flirting, love, relationships and sex. Let Deadfish explain the 6th Guideline...
6. Once she knows she is comfortable with you in bed, then she knows she will be back in bed with you again.
You could mess up completely by saying the wrong thing and she might come back to you, but if you bust your ass making sure she is comfortable with you in bed, she will always come back. Once that comfort is taken away, so is everything else you gained.
As guys, we like to pretend we are studs in bed; as long we are porn star spectacular they will always want to come back. Have you ever had sex with a woman and you were not totally comfortable with it and therefore the sex was not that enjoyable? I have. Let me tell you the story of Deadfish.
Deadfish was a large and unattractive girl, but since it was her birthday and I am such a caring guy I figured I would give her the honors of having my penis inserted into her vagina. Who cares that there was alcohol in the mix? And before you go there, when I say large your imagination ran with it and pictured an elephant-sized woman. Not even like that my friend.
Well, we get to that point of insertion, but the position is not that comfortable. I am on top of her, but she won't spread her legs. Now I am not asking her to form the letter 'T' with her body, but at least give me a lowercase 'Y'. I was getting more of an 'I' out of her and although I am not the largest of men, it was not an easy fit.
Her ability to stay in the 'I' position for 45 minutes was beyond amazing to me.
Wait...45 minutes?! Yes, I went at it for 45 minutes because I was determined to reach the finish line. This was no longer about her or her birthday, this was all about me completing this challenge. I was not comfortable doing so, the sex was not fun, but as a guy I find it my duty to finish.
Funny thing is apparently she was very comfortable with the situation and wanted me to come back the next day. I have since removed the letter 'I' from my sexual alphabet and her number from my phone.
What I am trying to say is you want to make sex just as comfortable as having a coffee with you. It is okay to laugh and joke and have a mini-conversation while your bodies are dripping sweat onto each other and headboards are breaking. Maintain a conversation with her and let her know things are cool and her comfort zone will be reached.
Now that I wrote that I have no idea why I even bothered telling you the story of Deadfish. I am sure you learned a valuable lesson in there somewhere. You are welcome.
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Guess I forgot to mention the essays are hilarious. Here, have another.
16. A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are.
You want a kind and caring woman, but that doesn't mean she can't be a bad girl when you want her to be. The reason we want this to happen is because we like variety in our lives. Once you get stuck in a static lifestyle even just the slightest bit of change can liven it up.
Women like bad men just as much as men like bad women. No idea why this is, but I tend to flock towards the bad girls much to the dismay of my mother. Some women like to take the whole bad persona a bit too far and end up just being annoying.
I once met a girl and the first thing she told me was that she was sweet and innocent. I found this kind of odd because nobody really comes out and sticks adjectives to their persona without you asking. I have no problem with sweet and innocent so I went with the flow. She was really nice so I could see why people saw her as being sweet and innocent. Her blue eyes made it seem even more believable. Finally, I got her into bed and I must not have read the dictionary correctly
when I looked up the definitions of sweet and innocent because this woman was a freak who was insatiable.
She screamed, she talked dirty and she did positions that you only see acrobats at a circus perform. After we were done she looked at me, smiled and said, "See I told you I was sweet and innocent." This was the kind of sweet and innocent that I could get used to very easily.
When women are bad I guess it lets us know they are more like us than we realize and that they actually are human. You ever had sex with something that wasn't human? No? Yeah, me neither I was just saying...
We are going to end up marrying someone like our mom anyway. Might as well date someone like our Aunt Peggy while we have the chance. You ever had relatives that you wish weren't your relatives because they were hot and you wanted to make a move on them? No? Yeah, me neither I was just saying...
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Buy the book and read 78 more essays along with jokes, poems and tips to help you better understand the opposite sex.
20. Every woman is wrong until she cries, and then she is right - instantly.
I admit I surrender when the tears come out and for some reason my mind becomes clear and I completely understand her point of view. Tears have magical abilities, but the real magic is understanding where she is coming from before they come out. Surprised to read this? I come with some profound thoughts at times, do not underestimate me.
I do not know why it works like this, but for some reason when the tears come out the clouds part and the sun shines brighter. If I simply took the time to listen and understand what was wrong I could have avoided the tears in the first place. Of course sometimes I like to see the tears because it shows they care and that I still affect them. Sick? Definitely, but it isn't like women don't do some sick stuff of their own to get at us.
Tears also work if you are a guy. However, no guy likes to show others that he is crying. There should be a replacement for tears that have the same effect on women as tears do on men. I wonder if erections could be it, but I just don't see it working. You are in a heated argument with your girl, she says something cruel and you get an erection. Does she look down, realize she hurt you and move in closer for a hug? Probably not.
I have also just now realized that I am more comfortable with showing people my erection than showing them I am crying. Awkward.